Community vs. Family

Jack and I were talking yesterday afternoon about learning new things about poly even though he's been "in the lifestyle" for quite sometime. I've been thinking about my own lessons of the last year and how the act of living poly has changed my concept of it completely.

For one thing I have come to the idea that poly is who you are in a natural sense, not just something you do. You can be poly and not chose to live the lifestyle and you can chose the lifestyle and not really be poly. Make sense? I asked Richard most sincerely last week to tell me what it is he wanted from poly in his life, I likewise told him what it was that I was looking for. Now that I've had time to ruminate on our conversation I realize the question itself was wrong. I know you'll think it simply semantics but the intent and outcome will be different when looked at with this different perspective. Asking what I want from poly is like asking what a gay or lesbian wants from homosexuality. How exactly does that question apply? What I should have asked and how I should be looking at the situation, in my opinion, is what do I want from him, from this particular relationship. Consequently, all the other relationships I have as well. That has much more to do with the relationship itself and the other person involved than my theory on the poly lifestyle, although it plays a part.

Another thought that has morphed over time is the concept of the poly community. I think to say that such a community exists is a bit of a misnomer. The people all over the world that practice poly all have a different view about how to do it, how to regulate relationships. They all have differing rules of conduct and codes of ethical behavior. From extreme compartmentalization of relationships to households and group marriages of six or more people. There is not one basic constancy among the "community" save the word, nonmonogomy. That term itself includes a different set of "communities" all living in a way that they feel is acceptable. The conclusion I have come to is that it would behoove each one of us to build a network or a "family" of people who have relatively the same outlook and perception of the word that the individuals you are connected with do. I'm not talking about being exclusionary here. I'm not saying we each need to form a clique that fits our needs and never look outside our neatly defined borders. What I am saying is that we need to take care in building our extended network of people, that labeling someone poly doesn't in any sense mean that you both are on the same page about what that means. It's simply about awareness.

The communication mantra that is espoused frequently by so many involved in nonmonogomy has changed for me as well. When I started my relationships a year ago I had set ideas of how everything should work. Jack said to me the other day (he's an engineer), "I can look at the data and convince myself it says whatever it is that I want it to. In the end though, it has to work. If it doesn't work then I need to admit I was lying to myself." That struck a chord in me. When I started in my poly life I had rules and boundaries, I had it all figured out in my head. Planning is good, it just doesn't always work the way you think it should. There is nothing in life that can replace practical experience and application. I have come to believe that instead of keeping all my lovers separate, to the point that one never overlaps or touches the other in any way is not only naive, but impractical. We need to be talking, about everything and to everyone. Peripheral lovers nedd to be talking to prospective partners. We don't have to like all of the people our SO's are involved with but we at least need to be able to talk to one another. That doesn't mean we all have to agree either, it just means the lines of communication should be open across boundaries, like the U.N. I recognise that Britain and France aren't the best of friends and wouldn't, if they had the choice, bed each other, but the concept of networking works when they can at least be aware of each other. They need to be be aware of the motives each holds, the path that each is hoping to walk and so on.

So, when frustrations arise and problems in one relationship seem to spill over into another, I will remember that just because Britain and France have a mutual disdain for one another and that I, at times, can feel like South Africa we aren't just a part of a community but we are a family, and that's a whole different perspective.