"Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone
Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along
Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound
Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own
Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone"
Seven Years, Nora Jones
For whatever reason the last two or three days have been a challenge for me. I'm feeling a bit insecure, sad, lonely, you name it. The interesting thing is that I had thought in entering poly and gaining additional deep, romantic, intimate relationships I wouldn't fight this battle any longer. Well, you know on one hand that can sound silly and you have to admit on the other it sounds like a logical conclusion, or at least I thought so.
I have, in my life struggled at times with feeling very separated from others, as if there is a glass that keeps me from intimacy with those I love. I get that vision in my mind of the inmate in prison who, upon receiving a visit from a loved one instantly reaches out to touch the hand of the other pressed against the glass, as if they could feel what is seen. The mind makes you think there's a connection, but there is not. It's instinctual, I think, that need to physically touch another we feel close to. I know for me personally, because I've had an above average sex drive, the need to make love with my partners is as necessary to me as eating. I feel from week to week as if I'm starving and after gaining the closeness of sex I always feel better. Even when we are having problems, if we can make love with each other, if I can feel them inside me, whatever is bothering me seems smaller some how.
Richard and I have a remarkable sex life. One that I've not ever experienced before in my life. I can't explain why, honestly I think we are both at a loss to figure it out. There's a chemistry when we touch that is electric, its fireworks, flame and heat and gluttony and desperation. It's beyond satisfying. When I go for a long time (more than say ten days) without that connection with him I get antsy, I feel irritable and snappish with him, then as we do come together at the moment of orgasm I usually cry, I cry hard. It's like a wave of relief that overwhelms my senses and my mind shuts off for a second. Why is that? I don't know.
Jack and I have wonderful sex too. There is a closeness I feel with him like he's a part of me, that we become the same person. I find when I haven't had the opportunity to connect with him I get mopey and insecure and sad. I start feeling as if there's something really important missing in my life. My heart feels a little longing, like a string pulling me toward him. Why is that? I don't know.
My husband, Jolyon, and I have the best sex together. It's the kind of sex you get after being married as long as we have. Not just that, but the fact that we were each other’s firsts, first loves, first consensual sex, we were 17 and 19, so we've grown up together. We've become not only adults together, raised children together, built a life together, but we've become and discovered our sexual selves together. Evolved if you will over the years together, like a tree with a honeysuckle vine growing around and over it. It's magical, it's ethereal, it's sharing the same soul and feeding each other in a way and in places that no other human being can reach out to. When we don't make love for a while I feel lost, I feel terribly and inconsolably alone. A type of separateness that eats at the core of my being. Why is that? I don't know.
So, in retrospect I thought that poly, or having multiple relationships, would make it easier to soothe the depression I sometimes feel. I thought, "Well hey there's more opportunity, there's more energy to tap into." Funny how that doesn't seem to make a difference for me. I mean the level of friendship is a help and having more people in your life who love you is never a bad thing. I guess what I'm realizing is that what I need to do is learn how to make myself feel better and not rely on someone else to do it for me. They are not responsible, no matter how close we are, for my happiness. I am. I really and truly need to learn, intrinsically, to self soothe.
I'm feeling needy today. I'm wanting to reach out to my husband and my lovers to make it better, but I'm going to try and be okay where I am and be myself.
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3 comments:
It's tempting to see things elsewhere as "the answer" to voids that are really within us. Depression is a problem that a large number of people deal with, and you're not alone in that department.
I define the self soothe. I have never had anyone ever relax me, console me, or make me feel better except once in my life -- even then it was only for an instant, but an instant which has changed my life. At almost 30 years old age I finally recieved my first compliment. It's been about a month now and I am still reeling from it. Is this what it is like for the rest of the world? Seems to me that you and I are polar opposites. Given one you sought many. Given many I've sought one. I've had 5 partners and I can easily count the number of times I've had sex on both of my hands. I am a happy man, but it would great to have a girlfriend and hopefully a wife for a change.
Oh and I might add. I felt used everytime because I have never really been attracted to them. I also might add it really isn't that great. It's actually kind of boring. Women talk the talk about being good at this stuff but I just find they are terrible at it. I probably just need emotions to be involved. I always just do it because they seem to want to and I have really nothing better to do. I might also add that I have never initiated it or done anything to initiate it. They usually just hop on top of me when I am sleeping and it catches me by suprise. I think technically and legally it's called rape but hey what you do.
To self soothe I relax. I go to church. I bake. I cook. And study languages. As you can imagine with all this time on my hands, I can now pray in like 5 languages and pull off one heck of a church bake sale.
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