PPS

A graceful appetite, a graceful spirit, graceful manners from a graceful woman.

Being the type of woman that can be referred to as graceful has been a goal of mine since my twenties, it has a lot to do with how I saw my grandmother and her role in the world, and the fact that I have typically felt clumsy and awkward in my body. I had the good fortune last year to attend a workshop at the Human Awareness Institute, which was fabulous by the way, but while we were there the group I was in had to do an exercise while not speaking. All communication had to be non verbal. You know, for someone like me, a self proclaimed word-whore who loves to chatter and write, who would, if it were but possible have a torrid love affair with words like; honeysuckle, bubbles, sparkle, joy, ecstasy and so on, that exercise was the hardest of the weekend. I realized, much to my surprise, that I really don't know how to communicate non-verbally at all. The reason I discovered in an exercise that came after that was because I have always, from a very young age felt the opposite of graceful in my physical bearing and movement. I'm a catastrophic dancer. No really I'm not exaggerating in that. My husband bought us ballroom dancing lessons this year for Valentine's Day and it was catastrophic. Anyway, that has been a big part of my "graceful obsession". The other part relates to just my personality in general. I tend to be rather loud, opinionated and commanding in deportment. In other words I am not a wall flower. Not totally by design, I mean I don't purposefully set out to be someone who dominates the room or the conversation, it just happens. I feel that I have, what I lovingly refer to as, PPS. Personality Power Surges. I have within me a confidence that can be somewhat like a lioness, powerful and overwhelming. It's an energy flow that I truly feel. I want what I want and I want it now. Not from a selfish perspective but because I am a competent woman, convinced of the right course of action. Even the describing of it has an arrogant air and I don't mean it in that way at all. I just don't often second guess myself. I hate waiting around, I detest the inability of people to not make decisions readily. "Don't you know yourself?!" I want to scream. "Figure it out and stop wasting my time." See, harsh sounding huh? I also get terrifically horny and sexually powerful during these surges too. I could fuck forever and just feed off of the energy, so I'm having a hard time right now trying to make it through this post without masturbating.

Quickly then to my point!

I have been reading a fabulous book that Jack has given me this year for my birthday. The title is, Polyamory: Road maps for the Clueless and Hopeful, by Anthony Ravenscroft. I highly recommend it to all my poly friends as a great read and a thought provoking piece. What has caught my attention this week is the chapter, Sex vs. Communication. In it he talks a lot about how many of us use sex as a way of communicating or not communicating with our partners and being aware so as not to fall into the trap of either ideal. Since I have my power surges and am very sexual in general I tend to be in the first category and I tell myself regularly that if we can have sex or when we are having sex we are solving problems and getting closer.

Big mistake.

I have to learn to be objective when it comes to sex in my life. I need to learn to not use it to soothe or solve, to understand the anamalistic tendency of hormone rages and that it doesn't increase or decrease the love that I feel or want from a partner. Richard and I do regularly have confrontations that spring from an inability to relate verbally to each other. The patterns we use are completely different and it has caused problems of all sorts, unfortunately problems that don't tend to get solved because I want to have sex.

What to do?


Mr. Ravenscroft says,

"While I would gladly agree that sex inherently brings two souls closer together, there's a problem with that assessment: it just aint so. Sex stems from selfish motivations and animal drives. Various intellectual justifications can be pasted over those casual roots, but the fact remains. Once that is both acknowledged and recognized by the individuals involved, then things like communication and bonding can happen... It is far easier for sex to be a method for blocking or undermining communication than enhancing it. For sex to add to communication at all, there must be an underlying level of communication-- sex cannot be the foundation."

So, back to the challenge of being graceful.

I have within me a lust that is endless.

If Grandma could see me now.