A Rose by any other Name

Carefully consider the use of labels in any relationship you form, be it poly or mono.

The use of labels can for some be a comfort and a way to define for themselves how they fit into their environment, how they move in their part of the world, how they see themselves. For others labels simply are a representation of bondage. A form of slavery that keeps them from the freedom of change, diversity and the need to be an individual. I think for my part I fall somewhere in the middle. Personally, I find labels useful in the matter of communicating. Language fascinates me and the use of words to convey ideas and feelings; to express what's deeply buried inside one's self is like creating the perfect building from the ground up. I need to use certain labels to get my listener to understand the correct way I prefer to lay a foundation. Which you can admit is a critical point.

There is in the poly community a great deal of emotion attached to some of the labels thrown around in conversation and I have found that it helps to sit down with each person involved and talk to each other about perceived meanings of words used in determining guidelines and boundaries of each relationship. Make sure you are on the same page and the term secondary or tertiary mean the same to all of you before you start laying it out there like a quality Persian rug only to have the dog piss on it later.

Case in point, when I first started my relationship with Jack* we had many heated conversations about my being a secondary relationship, that was in actuality making me third in line. Third in time spent, third in energy expended etc... Jack, who is one of the sweetest most deeply loving and committed men of my acquaintance, insisted that he loved all of his relationships the same or "equally". I found this point of view ridiculous, and I told him so. You see Jack at the time not only had a solid primary relationship; a wife of more than twenty years, he also had a deep emotional relationship with a secondary that took precedence over me, a new involvement. He would say to me most earnestly, "Don't you love all three of your children with the same love?" This, if you are new to poly, will be an argument you are likely to hear quite a bit. My response, because I rarely hide my emotion is something like, "Horse shit." Personally I do love my children with the same type of familial love, however there is a great difference in expression, connection and attachment with each. They are each special and I'm devoted to them as individuals but those of us who have multiple children probably have noticed a difference in the way you relate to each one as such.

I was sitting with Jack one afternoon after a particularly tough week and as we were snuggled down into my bed with our shoes kicked off, I had hoped we would be fooling around soon, he mentioned to me that my love for Richard* made him uneasy. He was jealous. He had the courage to admit it to me and we talked about why he was feeling it. The guilt of saying out loud something that shamed him brought tears to his eyes. Jack, it should be noted, is an energetic, outdoorsy kind of man. He's intelligent, articulate, good with his hands, industrious, curious, passionate and emotional. We are pretty much almost the same person. We read each other's minds, speak the same language, finish each other's sentences, we are kindred spirits.

So, lying there, holding him, kissing lightly his forehead I felt compassion and a deep love for him, I wanted to protect him. From what?

From the labels we in poly use too lightly.

From the honesty of words that would unduly inflict deeper wounds into a sensitive soft heart that was open to me, vulnerable to me in that moment. That was one of the most difficult conversations I've experienced in my life and I hear you, I hear you asking, "Why then? Why do you choose that lifestyle?" I guess my answer is cliché. The good outweighs the bad. The reward of trust, intimacy, love, friendship, romance and yeah, fantastic, unbridled, passionate sex is worth the tough conversations, the hurt feelings and the uncomfortable social situations. I have grown as a person. I have gained a greater understanding not only of love but of how to PRACTICE love everyday in a very real way.

I love Jack; I love Jack enough to want him ever present in my life for a long, long time. Jack is a secondary, there are boundaries that that label creates, or rather that the relationship itself has created. Sometimes poly can suck but only because sometimes relationships can suck and really that's only because in general, life itself can suck. It can be beautiful too. I have courage, do you?



*Names in this blog will be changed to save the identities of actual people involved.