Waffles and Spaghetti

"Perpetual dating is a merry-go-round. That's a ride I'll get on for kicks, it's not one I'll choose to spend a lot of time on, or choose more than once. I get bored, I get off."

Richard and I have had this conversation more than once.There is in poly a term that is used frequently to describe a level of relationship called "perpetual dating". It's exactly as it sounds. You meet a guy or gal that strikes your fancy and you start dating, you meet once a week maybe every other week for dinner, an activity of some kind and sex. Now as the relationship progresses and intimacy builds there is a point at which the relationship naturally can grow beyond this pattern. The couple maybe starts to do things more often, or sees each other for what I call casual contact. They do more and more things together, "family style", than as a dyad and the relationship expands to include more and more of the everyday life. Now in perpetual dating, this evolution, for whatever reason, doesn't take place. Often times the relationship itself proves to be less intimate than each had hoped or boundaries are in place to keep it from growing too far by one or the other or even both of the people involved. So, the status quo is observed week after week; dinner, activity, sex. Dinner activity, sex.

Jolyon ( JOE-lee-un) and I, from the outset of our venture into poly were looking for a relationship/relationships to become more intimately connected with our lives, to be an extension of our family and all that that entails. Our desire wasn't simply to swing or to engage in what is affectionately called in poly circles as "poly-fuckery", but something close to a poly fidelitous quad. God, however, has blessed us with lovers, all very special and all unique, each growing in the ways that they are best suited to.

This leads me, round abouts, to my point. I have been feeling in the last several months a disappointment and frustration at having two separate lives. A life in which we have long term established friends, who love us deeply and are committed to being there for whatever happens to come our way. They are solid, dependable, giving, deeply loving individuals, who happen to be very firmly rooted in a conservative christian religion that would not have the ability to comprehend the road my husband and I have chosen for ourselves. So, they have not met our lovers and we have carefully compartmentalized our life. Waffles.

What I would like, is to turn my waffle into more of a spaghetti dish, everything swimming around on the plate together. I do not necessarily feel the need to announce to the world that we are poly, hence the pseudonyms. However, I would love it if my husband's girlfriend, Janice who happens to be married for more than twenty years to my boyfriend Richard, could both get together with us at family events and parties with our friends. Jack and his wife Marianne, have felt the same desire for sometime, to blend families. Jack and I have exchanged keys to each other's house and pretty much come and go as we please. When Jack and Marianne decided to take a vacation over the summer Jolyon and I spent a night at their house to have some fun with the kids, who by the way, missed their parents. When Jolyon was gone across country for a long weekend a few months ago, I ended up in the ER. Jack sat with me for ten hours that day, he drove me home, put me to bed, made sure my son had dinner and then spent the night, so I wouldn't be alone, just in case I needed anything. I love that. I love that we are growing closer and barriers that were there before are slowly breaking down. Jack and I took a weekend trip out of town together in the fall, just he and I. I LOVE that my husband and Marianne gave us that time for each other. What a precious gift.

I guess what I'm feeling is a need to be a little more consistent, a little more incorporated. I think I would like to start the process of gently folding in the new ingredients to my already thoroughly happy life and try and make sure the mixture as it is now doesn't loose some of it's integrity. How do I do both without destroying something of the other. In other words, how do I make an omelet without breaking any eggs?



*Casual contact: non-date activities, rather everyday errands and chores. i.e. grocery shopping, a quick lunch, getting the car fixed etc...

Dyad: a relationship consiting of a primary two.

Poly- fuckery: low level intimacy, "fuck buddy"

Ploy-fidelitous: relationship that is sexualy closed in whatever form it takes. i.e. a Triad where the three are only having sex within that group of three.