No Fences

I'm a big believer in being holistic. In thinking and reasoning, even emotionally and spiritually I have always felt, even as a girl, that to have an understanding of something requires one to look at the thing in it's entirety. I know this has frustrated some of those with whom I've studied the Bible on occasion as it's common to see religious believers take one or two sentences out of a paragraph and try to apply it with out the surrounding text. Ridiculous. Everything we learn, everything we already know is just a piece and a part of something bigger. Since we cannot contain all the knowledge and maturity we will eventually gain in all areas of life, right now within ourselves, it would be foolish to think we can say we "know" this or we "know" that about things beyond our human capabilities.

For instance, I am increasingly frustrated by people who wish to label and quantify ethereal ideals such as joy, selflessness or love. Since our understanding of these things changes on a regular basis depending on our path in life, how is it we can say what love really is? How can we define it? Once when I was regularly checking the fora on PMM I came across a thread that asked what true love is. The understanding I gained from that was simply, "true love" can only be defined by the individual. It means something a bit different to all of us.

So, to me right now, I believe that only by incorporating where you been and where you are now can you have an understanding of how it is that you feel and express love on a daily basis. I mean that also to include the concept of the Jungian levels of consciousness, our spiritual selves and our physical bodies. The paths we have walked to arrive at this particular place need to be considered in our awareness of ourselves on every level.

This brings me to my point. Longing.

In my childhood I was in an atmosphere where love was something to be attained through behavior. It was a goal or a place, not an everyday feeling accessible to everyone for the asking. Love, or the expression of Love, was regularly used as a reward or the withholding of it, punishment. On an unconscious level, as a teenager I continued this line of thinking when I came to develop my spirituality. The religion I participated in also lead me to believe that Love is something that is a goal or reward that can be attained by "proper" or "right" behavior. If you are a "good" Christian and do all the "right" things you will have acceptance by the rest of your church family and a place in heaven. I have since learned that in my opinion Christ taught no such thing, but that's another post for another time. My marriage was based and operated on these concepts for perhaps the first ten or even twelve years. I feel a great sense of loss at the time we've wasted, although had we not gone through what we did the way we did we would not be here at this place now. See? Holistic thinking. What I am only starting to understand, with the help of my poly relationships; Jack and Marrianne and Richard, is that to a degree I have functioned within this belief system, perhaps sub-consciously even in the last year and a half. Somehow my idea of "romance", the faerytale version of love, contains a great amount of longing for my partners, an empty space that somehow makes the romance "real" or maybe just more inviting.

Bad girl. Bad.

It is my goal to recognise within myself a greater capacity for genuine love, selflessness, cheerful giving and joy. What has been holding me back from this next step of learning I believe is, myself. If I am in fact, in a relationship where I am continually experiencing a longing for love, an attitude of waiting for reward then I have to ask, is that the love I want? I cannot ask, "is that love?" because to some it is indeed. More precisely, is that the love that I want?

I would like to learn the evolution of life without boundaries, without lines of demarcation. To give and receive in all things with totality, or at least with a greater capacity than I now have. I wish to stretch my heart and my soul to hold and give and experience at a new level. I have up to this point been running on half a tank of gas, it's time to try and fill up a little bit more.

At the beginning of this new year, I would like to walk my path with intent and with purpose. I continue my commitment to myself that I will live my life, it will not live me. I will go where God leads me, through the valleys, canyons and caves, to be a more fulfilled person when I am taken to the next world. I would that all my loves would walk this path with me, but I am forever mindful that they have their own paths and maybe theirs will diverge from mine. One thing is certain, I wish for a path with no fences.

No Fences.




*PMM- Poly Match Maker, a poly friendly website designed to help match people from around the globe in relationships.