Richard and I have had a turbulent time together, but not always in a bad way. Extreme in passion, jealousy, disappointment and debauchery.
I've held on far too long, I know that. But I wanted it to work. I wanted him to accept the love I have for him. To be free to give and please and push.
He wrote to me today. He says I'm difficult. I'm demanding, it was too much and it beat him like waves against the rocks until he was spent, until there was nothing left and he needed to just cry "uncle" and be done.
I love you. I love you still.
I'm sorry I couldn't please you. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you were enough. I'm sorry I was that catalyst. I'm sorry most of all our love wasn't served better. I know I have character flaws, faults of willfulness, I know it's hard. I know you think I'm strong and self sufficient. I know you think I'm a brick and calm and centered. All those things you said at last, the truth you told me today was hard to hear. It's hard to bear it and carry it with me now. Truly I'm just a girl, soft and unsure. Sitting needy in the dark.
I remember that morning, lying in your arms in the wee hours, spent and exhilarated. I remember you looking at me with such admiration and yearning and that feeling of rightness about it. I remember I said, "I will, if you will" and then you did, you jumped off that cliff and I followed you only delayed by a moment's breath. Then we fell, we fell for a very long time and now it's shattered into a million pieces and I've known it for a long time. That mirror in the hall, I stopped looking at myself because I could see you leaving in my eyes. I thought if I held them tightly shut it wouldn't be so. I stood there wanting you, watching you, wondering how I could possibly be so imperfect. I hate that you compared me to them. I hate that they meet your expectations.
I love you. I hate you. I love you still.
I want you to go now. Go so I can stop failing. Go so you can tell yourself that you were right, and true and strong. I think you need that more than I do.
1 comment:
Very sad. Polyamory is inherently unstable, and we should accept that, since it's meant as an antidote to monogamy (which is also unstable to a degree). What's the old Jefferson Airplane lyric: "Life is change, how it differs from the rocks."
Post a Comment