When J. and I go out for ice cream, I stand at the counter for ages overwhelmed with possibilities until finally I know exactly what it is I'm after. The perfect concoction of texture taste and color. I like to be daring and try new things, I also feel very attached to my particular favorites.
I can hear you now, "Yeah? Why should this interest me?" Well, maybe it shouldn't or doesn't but my point is a subject that came up for me and J after my last posting on Sunday. The issue was this:
"It's Sunday night, I'm laying around in my big ol bed reading, getting up every so often to surf the web and then under the covers again into my book and I think man I want to be fucked right now, I just want it and I want it the way he does it."
The question from him was why. When I get like that is it not just sex I'm after or sex from a particular person?
I have to admit when we have frank and open discussions about my love/relationship with Jack I have a tendency to get a little overly sensitive and defensive. Some moments I feel as if I'm walking a tight rope, trying my best to love freely with out harm to my soul-mate, my lover, my partner in this life. I wonder at times if this life we've been building with the inclusion of others is good for us. I wonder if we've not made a terrible mistake fucking randomly and loving intensely outside ourselves. When I'm old and at the end of my life here will I regret how I've handled this? Will I feel as if I've taken something priceless away from the one whom I promised to cleave to, forsaking all others? Yeah, I think about that. I promised My Sovereign to love only him for the rest of my life, 'till death do us part. What can I say to that? "Um, sorry God, this thing came up and it felt like a good idea at the time..."
The difficulty for me is that Jolyon and I were eachother's first, we lived mostly happy in monogamy for not quite twenty years only having the experience of eachother, romantically and sexually. Opening our marriage was something we took seriously, we've guarded or relationship like a bulwark. We discussed the "idea" of open sex for almost a year before we actually decided to act on it, then we were almost a year after that before we "did the deed" so to speak and it was official. So, when I start to talk details or make comparisons with J. there have been times when feeling on both sides have been unmercifully trampled, all in the name of "honesty and communication" the poly mantra.
Sex can be an amazing kaleidoscope of pleasure that is completely different with every person because of the energy and appetite of the people involved, it's not always about skill. So when I say I want Cake Batter ice cream with marshmallows and rainbow sprinkles it's not because Peanut butter ice cream with chocolate kisses is less satisfying. It's just not what I want at that moment.
I hate feeling like I'm being forced to choose which is the best, or that I have to apologise for wanting what I want when it happens to be different. I feel like J. thinks it's a betrayal and that keeps me questioning.
What am I doing?
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