Testing the First Comandment

It's important for me to remember that this gift is because he loves me.

Because he is an amazing individual.

Because we are partners without fear

without territory.

Because he stands at the door

open wide

without any judgement

saying fly away

little one or sleep
little one or

stay.

And sometimes I run

from the responsibility

of that love, I run

from the tightness

and I run

to the solace

I run.

And he is the giver of life,

he is the god of my heart

so no other god

calls me by name.

Because he loves me.

He loves me to be

free

to choose.

It's important for me to remember that this gift is because he loves me.

Fear vs. Shame

Several of my poly friends and acquaintances have implied recently that the reason we haven't "come all the way out" regarding our new lifestyle is because we are really ashamed of ourselves. That in reality we are living two lives and are building a smoke screen of lies around us.

Well, you know my first reaction to anything accusatory or challenging is to get angry first. After I ranted to Jolyon about it I sat down and did some serious thinking about my feelings.

It's true I AM afraid of certain members of our extended family finding out the changes we've made recently, but I've come to the conclusion that just because I'm afraid of the consequences, fall out and confrontation it would bring doesn't mean I'm ashamed of what I'm doing and it doesn't mean I live two lives.

I mean, Jolyon and I have told our kids, all three are older and we felt able to handle the news without too much freaking out. We told them mainly because we never wanted them to think that there was any cheating going on between us and because we didn't want them to think mom and dad were on the verge of divorce. Surprisingly, the older two took the news very well and were even happy that Jo and I were apparently so happy together and in our decision. The other reason we told them was to allow them to ponder different concepts of what relationships are, what they mean to those involved and that things don't always fit, or have to fit into that nice little conformity box. There is freedom in this life to be who you are if you have the courage to do it. We also told my two brothers that are the closest to our family for the same reasons.

What we haven't done is told Jo's family who are deeply conservative christian and our friends who attend the same church congregation we do. We would be ignorant to assume that there wouldn't be irrevocable damage done if we announced our new endeavors, that there would be some severing of ties and the ending of some beautiful relationships because of their religious convictions.

In some respects I feel strongly that it's nobody's business who we choose to love or fuck or simply date. Why is my sexual orientation any of your concern? What I do in the privacy of my bedroom with my husband is my business, is it not? I was reading this week from I Thessalonians chapter four verse eleven says,

"Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands just as we told you so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so you will not be dependant on anybody." (NIV)

If we are happy, Jo and I, truly in love and have a deep respect and concern for the other, if we are not cheaters, if our "lies" are simply that of omission of private and intimate details, if we are kind and gentle and encouraging to those around us, if we give and help and teach and sacrifice are we really so bad?

Should we walk in shame for loving more and more and more? I am not ashamed.

I am afraid of losing things that are fragile and precious But I choose to live my life, it will not live me.

Nope, not surprised

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm an Escapist!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

She sure does know how to fulfill a fantasy!

My Husbands won't be Surprised

I took Sage Vivant's Erotic Personality Quiz and discovered I'm a Show-Off!

What is your Erotic Personality? Find out now.

You can always pick the anchovies off

I spent sometime last evening in my backyard out by the fire doing some navel gazing. I have to admit I like to be introspective although I also like to think I'm not too self absorbed. My loved ones would probably be the best judge of that, since it's human nature to be ignorant of our own character flaws.

I've had moments in my life, even as a child that I questioned my ability to be truly happy. I know I've felt it, happiness, and I know if you were to ask me I would say my life at this moment feels full and satisfied. But is that the same thing?

Over the last two weeks of busy holiday, family fun having hardly time for anything I have thought about this thing with Richard. This thing. I hear myself say it and it sounds detached and negative, like an unusual insect you could discover in traveling some place other than your native home. I guess what I mean is our relationship but it's been so strange and unusual an attraction I hardly know if I could rightly call it that, "a relationship". This is what dictionary.com has to say:
–noun
1.a connection, association, or involvement.

2.connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3.an emotional or other connection between people: the relationship between teachers and students.

4.a sexual involvement; affair.

—Synonyms 1. dependence, alliance, kinship. 2. affinity, consanguinity.

So okay, somehow that doesn't make me feel any better. I have always been into feeling, you know. I'm pretty aware of my feelings at any given moment, for some reason when I'm with Richard there is just a swirl of stuff and confusion. I've tried to dissect it a thousand times and make sense of everything that has happened between us, I seem to end up with more questions than answers. Anyway, one of my readers made a comment on the previous post that poly was unstable and monogamy only slightly less so. It's my opinion that monogamy or non-mono is really just life. LIFE can be unstable.

I've ceased to think of myself under those labels. I simply am. Stability comes from oneself, it's an intrinsic value in my belief, and though things like relationships can augment this value either positively or negatively they are not the value itself. So even with these external shifts of emotion and attachment going on around me it is not in me. If I haven't the ability to really be happy that's not because my environment is faulty, it's because I haven't yet learned the secret.

Am I the only one?